Why, yes, I do have a blog! And readers! And would it suck without you!

Oh yeah! I do have a blog.  I remember it now!  Let me just say, March sucked.  There.  It is out.  I hated March.  March kicked my butt.  In fact, March marched all over me and left bruises to prove it.  And when life does that to you it can be hard to, well, write about life.  We are on better terms now, life and me.   I just had to take time to focus on me, my family and the chaos that my life had become.  It was all about prioritizing and simplifying.

Let me tell you something about me.  That whole simplifying thing is hard. I mean it really is hard for me.  I had to make some very tough decisions last month.  Many times I have been jolted awake at night wondering if I did the right thing.  Sometimes I cry and think I made a mistake.  Other nights I know I only did what I had to do for me and my family at the time.  I can’t look back.  Thankfully, the amazing and beautiful people involved backed me up and that helps when the doubt kicks me down.

In other words, I had to cut back on things.  For me, that makes me sad.  I loved everything I was doing but the toll it was taking on me and my family at a time when I was not doing well at all and when they really needed me, I had to do what I had to do.  I don’t really want to go into specifics.  Let’s just say standing on the edge of a cliff you have two choices:  jump off or take the hand pulling you back.  I took the hand pulling me back and I am getting better.  It was rough for too long.  Too rough to get into and too personal to talk about in detail yet.

I can say this.  You see, after Mom died, I think a huge part of me died, too.  Or at least, went dormant.  For three years.  That is too long.  I knew that.  At least, I know that now.  And with help, I am coming back to life.  How cliche` and appropriate that I am coming back to life in the Spring when the rest of nature is too.  I kind of like the timing.  Well, that and my sister decided it was time to stop being losers and start living our lives again.  Seeing as she is my older sister, I do what she says.  Most of the time.  (Let’s face it.  I will always look up to her and respect her.  When she tells me to get it together with her, I do it.  She is still the boss of me.   I think she always will be.)

BUT, it was not all bad.  I want to share with you something good that did happen in March.

On March 6, 2009  I celebrated a huge birthday!  Not the year I was born.  More like the year I found life again.  On March 6th, I celebrated 9 years being clean from my addiction.  NINE YEARS.  That seems almost impossible.  But I know it isn’t.  I have not picked up my 9 year chip (and ohhhh how I want to hold that thing so badly!) but I will post it proudly here when I have it.  You see, for me the further I get my my “sobriety date”, the harder it can become.  At 9 days I had a full support system.  I was going to meetings all the time.  I had a sponsor.  I had people every single day ask how I was and knew if I was telling the truth.  At 9 months, the same thing but with fewer meetings.  At 9 years, the meetings have dwindled. I have no sponsor.  I really don’t know any addicts right now.  It gets harder because I am more removed from the disaster that was my life.

Sometimes I wonder what normal people do when the proverbial poo hits that fan.  I mean, what goes through a “normal” person’s mind?  For me, no matter how much I know I won’t go there, my first though is “Gawd I wish I could take some pills and numb this.”  I don’t go there physically, but the mind does.  And we all know my mind is a scary place to be most times.  I have not given in in 9 years.  Not when Mom died.  Not when things fell apart financially.  Not when everything around me crumbled.  I did not give in.  For 9 years.  And though I know at any time I am just as much at risk as any addict or alcoholic at any phase in their sobriety, I have made it this far and do not want to blow it.  I am determined my baby girl will never, ever know a using mom.

So there is my good March news.  The rest? It sucked.

But you?  My beloved readers!  Here you are.  After so long, you are here.  You have no idea what that means to me.  Thank you so much!  I really do mean that.  Because you know what?  I love to write here.  I love to hear from you.  And of course I love your feedback and comments.  But really?  Knowing you came back?  Thank you.  Because? My life would suck without you! (More than March did!)

For realz!

21 Comments

  1. I am so glad you are back. I am hoping that April will be a wonderful month for you. I am so proud of you. 9 years. What an astounding accomplishment.

  2. Glad to hear that you made it through a crap month and came out the other side! And glad to hear that things are looking up. Tough decisions are always the most important ones. You’ve just got to be strong, pick a direction, and go for it.

  3. I have missed you very much. I’m glad you made it through March.

  4. I love to hear from you, and am glad that April is here for you. I’m looking forward to reading new tales from the caffeinated.

    And saying no is sometimes saying yes to yourself.

    Congrats on 9!

  5. I am sorry you’ve had a rough time. I can relate to the overbooked aspect and am in the process of realignment myself which will mean giving up a lot of the immediate gratification writing I do online – that will be hard.

    My dad died last October. My first husband has been dead just a bit over three years now. Going dormant for a while (and the length will vary) is a perfectly normal thing and wishing there was something magic to numb stuff (which I guess comes in a pill form but people use a lot of different methods) is what “normal” people do.

    It was nice to see a post from you.

  6. Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!! And congratulations on knowing when you’ve reached the edge of the cliff. I think just recognizing that moment is one of the most important things you can do for yourself (says the woman who tends to forget. gee, I’m falling. how did that happen? quick, grab this rope and climb back up!)

    March was pretty rough around here too, and my own blog shows it. not a lot of writing. Here’s hoping April is better for everyone.

  7. Congratulations on nine years!!!

    And good luck with everything else. I don’t know what’s going on, but I know if you keep hanging in there, it’ll work out eventually.

  8. So glad to see you back here again. Online communities can be a wonderful thing, especially when “real life” gets overwhelming.

  9. congratulations on your 9 year anniversary!! awesome!! and i hope april is as good to you as march was awful!!

  10. Glad to see you back. Congrats on the 9 year chip- Keep on coming back! 🙂

    I lost my Mom 2 weeks ago- and am struggling to keep from “numbing”. So I relate!

    Hang in there!

    jill.watkins@gmail.com

  11. This? Is great.

    I’m so excited to meet you next week.

    Steph

  12. Jenn, you know I will help you this next year. You are not hanging out there alone. If that ‘stuff’ is some of what has been bothering you, don’t let it. We do what we can and the rest will be okay without us.

  13. You are an amazing writer and you should contact http://www.bizymoms.com/dallas/index.php to get your blog featured to their large mom community. I am sure they would love your posts. In their expert page there is a form. http://www.bizymoms.com/dallas/experts.php

  14. Congrats on nine years! That’s a long, long road. You’re still on my blogroll. Take care!

  15. Huge congrats, hot mama – mwah!~

  16. Congrats Jen. So many of us are taking it one day at a time. Go get that coin!

  17. You remind me of a story I heard about the guys from U2 hanging out with Johnny Cash. And Johnny said a prayer, and they all bowed their heads and prayed and Johnny finished by saying, ‘sure do miss the drugs, though.’

    Can’t say as I know specifically what it’s like to want to reach for a pill, but I’ve been off cigarettes for 14 years and I still sometimes want one. Keep fighting the good fight.

  18. It’s so glad to hear from you again..Just hang in there..and hopefully spring brings new hope and dreams.
    Keep smiling,
    Jenjen

  19. Jenn,
    I am a bit late, but just reading this now. What an amazing story. You should be so proud of yourself for staying clean for 9 years. That is wonderful, and not an easy task. I know that addiction affects you everyday and temptation is always there. You have everyone’s support here at The Notherhood. It takes a very determined person to get up everyday and say “No” to using. I can see you are that person and I know you will be celebrating 10, 15, 20 and more years. Congratulations girl !

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