The Tale of the Scroti

I am sick and have too much on my plate, so for today’s NaBloPoMo, I am pulling out an old favorite. Since people just love to jump my case when I am not the June Cleaver of mother’s, I think they should love this one!

Sometimes in a family of 5, you need to sit the kids down and have a Very Serious Talk about attitude. (This week on a very special episode of Family of Five, the family pulls together for a Very Serious Talk about attitude. A must see episode for the entire family.) Of course for the children it is best if you can do this as a group. You are more likely to not be the only one taking the heat. We as parents know this. Which is why we did it one on one. Or rather two against one. (Seriously, did my parents derive this much giddiness from watching The Squirm that the kid on the hot seat does? Sick bastards we are!)

So we call in the oldest and start talking. We have this rule when we have these talks. You can say anything. As long as you are being constructive and not just trying to get some digs in and being ugly. If you are mad, let us know. If you feel like it is unfair, let us know. Say Anything. (Speaking of Say Anything, did you see that movie? At that time John Cusack rocked my world. He can hold up a boombox in my driveway and I’d Do Anything. He’s no Matthew, but who is. Ahhh, Matthew. My Matthew.) Ahem. Where was I?

So anyway, it can get tense when you have these talks. Especially when you are feeling like you are on the hot seat and getting the lecture. I am not one to do well with super tense scenes. My sarcasm and dry wit tend to overcome me before I am even aware of it happening. So I look at my son and say with a perfectly straight face, “So, would you like to talk about sex now? I know the word penis and I’m not afraid to use it.”

*Cue shocked and appalled look from my son. He replies to me in a very preteen, angsty way, “Mooommmmmm!”

Seeing that I have pushed a button, demon mom kicks in.

“Seriously. Shall we talk scrotum? Which, by the way, is the plural of scrotum scrotums? Scrotumeses? Scroti?…..”

*Shocked look from my son who is actually looking for something sharp to jam into his eardrums, but realizes he is stuck with nothing but his own fingernails that were trimmed that morning and would never work.*

“…I am sure it is probably scrotums. But don’t you think that scroti sounds more scientific? For example, ‘In our family we have a ratio or 3 boys to 2 girls. Therefore, we have a plethora of scroti in our home.‘ See? It just sounds more official and scientific.”

At this point my son is writhing in agony on the couch praying for death or a psychologically freaked out induced coma to get out of this situation and never have to hear his mother say the word scrotum again.

Then I get The Stare. A glazed over look was behind The Stare. But nevertheless I know that the stares means, “Mom. You’ve gone too far. You can no longer shock me. Give it your best shot.”

If you know me, you know that I just do not have the ability to walk away from such a challenge. Especially from one of my children. I stared back. Then, in my most perplexed and inquisitive manner, I looked at my son and asked, in all seriousness, “Speaking of this, I was wondering, since you are Mr Science, do flies have scrotum? I mean seriously. I guess that depends on whether they have a penis or not. Do you know?”

At that my son gets up, rolls his eyes and says, “I think this talk is over now, Mom. I mean really!” He walks out of the room. Only to hear his father scream from the living room, “Son, are you looking it up. Fly. Scrotum. Google it.”

Yeah, I am pretty sure we are going to parental hell for this one. But damn it was funny!

7 Comments

  1. Sick, sick. I like it. I may have to try those family talk rules in my house.

  2. So… do flies have scroti? That rhymes, hee hee. Thanks for the funny.

  3. I love it!

    So I’m not the only parent who finds an excessive amount of pleasure in embarassing the heck out of her children? Nice, even more justification (as if I really needed it).

  4. I’m so glad I don’t have to teach sex ed to 6th graders anymore! I did, however, develop some fabulous acting skills. I could say penis, scrotum, vagina, and nearly anything else without blushing or snorting with laughter. But I do, really, feel happy that I teach younger children now.

  5. LOL! You don’t know me from Adam, but I’d love to know the original attitude problem the talk was for! Or maybe it was just attitude-inous in general…I have a long way to go before my 4 month old gets there.

  6. Oh boy, have I ever had similar conversations like that one. LOL. Nothing makes my day more than mortifying my three teenagers with MY knowledge of the way life works! They do so forget that we were doing it long before they were EVER thought of! And of course, I’m talking about attitude adjusting and defining complex words. HAHAHA!

  7. hilarious – we need one of those talks here for the 14yr old … attitude plus angro and of course the penis and scroti talk. all that testosterone and no place to use it.

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