Have you ever watched a hamster on a wheel who starts running faster than he can actually keep pace with? You know how one misstep will send him careening out of his wheel and slam him into the wall of his cage? I am that hamster. Not with the “stuff” I have to do. We all have “stuff” to do that keeps us busy and sometimes overwhelmed. It is with the things I cannot control. The wheel that keeps spinning and spinning with no apparent plans to stop anytime soon. I don’t know how much longer I can run.
Let’s look at the past year. We won’t focus on the near scares, the almost happened or the “minor medical emergencies” that we were able to enjoy. That would take too long. Let’s focus on the Big Wheel Spinning.
July 20, 2005 Mom goes into the hospital for a “routine” surgery. Nothing goes right from then on. Traveling back and forth and back and forth all the while being force fed despair and hope in equal parts.
December, some punk kid calmly tells a teacher and principal that he has plans to kill my son and there is NOTHING the school or police can do about it.
January, Mom–my best friend and role model– loses her battle and dies.
March, my son suffers from extreme anxiety and depression issues compouded by his ADHD and our world again is put into a tailspin as I try to help him get his footing as I stand on thin ice myself.
July 2006, Dad has a heart blockage and again we have the waiting room fear take over. While there is much rejoicing that all is well now, the toll has been taken on the mind, heart and body.
Last night, my uncle died.
I am running. Running. RUNNING. But this wheel I seem to be on is going too damn fast for me! If I take my eyes off of it for one nanosecond or lose my carefully timed steps, I will be flung from it. And, people, I don’t know if I will be strong enough to endure the impact when I crash.
Last night it all just hit me, overwhelmed me and gave me such a heavy heart, I am having trouble shaking it. I dreamed all night of issues I cannot face when I am awake. For the first time in years, I dreamed about my mother-in-law and spent most of the night in my dreams trying to fix that situation and somehow reverse the outcome. I dreamed of friends lost, dreams shattered and hearts broken all night long.
Today, I am exhausted.
Is there some force out there waiting for me to cry Uncle? Something waiting to hear me yell, “I give up!” If so, here I am. I Give Up! You win! See me here with the white flag? Begging you to stop!
Even things I am looking forward to are tainted with caution flags. Rather than be over the moon excited, I sit and wait for the other shoe to drop. Wait for the phone call that will tell me “Not so much a good day today, Jenn.” Wait for the next thing to happen that ruins, prevents or slams the brakes on the excitement I want to let loose with.
I am exhausted. Can someone either run on this wheel for me or find a way to slow the damn thing down?