So we were watching American Idol on Tuesday (Shut up. I have kids and they like it. It isn’t like I can send them out after dark to play while I enjoy my martini and soap operas!) when the camera scanned the audience.
“Did you see him?!” I shout.
Startled looks and slight fear (or was it dread?) crossed the faces of my beloveds as I grabbed the remote to rewind it. (Thank you gods of electronics who have blessed my life with a DVR.)
“There!” I shouted and pointed. “It’s Donny Osmond!” (Yes, I am well aware that had I waited a few moments I could have seen that “Seacrest Out” was going to actually speak to him, but I am an impatient person.)
“Did I ever tell you about…” I began. (I am pretty sure there wasn’t an eyeball in that room that didn’t roll back in it’s head with dread as they knew I was going to set off on one of my tangents.)
“…when I was little I SO had a crush on Donny Osmond? Even when he was just a small punk with bad 70’s hair. I mean, I had this record where he was on this locket with Marie and that was an okay record, but I really loved this record where they are jamming out in retro hot clothes with their little silver microphones. I even knew every word to every song on this record with all of these still frames from the Donny and Marie Show as well as having every picture memorized. I mean, I had posters and everything…”
(pausing for a breath)
“I mean, it’s not like he was Shaun Cassidy or anything. I mean, Shaun could da-do-ron-ron-ron me anytime. I had the kissed posters to prove it. I never quite got into the whole David Cassidy “I Think I Love You” phase (which ironically enough, one of the Idols sang Tuesday!)
Pausing to catch my breath, I sort of notice the overwhelmed and bewildered look on the faces of the male members of my household. Of course it doesn’t deter my monologue into the past.
“Of course, you have to grow up sometime. But before all the posters came down, there was that stint with Journey But not all of them. Some were a bit creepy and Steve Perry just didn’t do it for me. No, I was all about Jonathan Cain , but now that I really look at him, (with more mature eyes) I think he might be Bill Engvall’s missing twin brother.”
*crickets chirping and males mouths hanging agape at my soliloquy*
Best save I could come up with after realizing how much I had gone on about girlie crushes was: “Good thing we girls outgrow that, huh.”
To which Brandon replied, “You mean like how you’ve outgrown that with Matthew McConaughey?”
“That is SO not the same thing,” I huff as I quickly unpause the show again.