When looking over the 5 stages of grief today (Don’t ask me why. That would indicate some semblance of reasonable thinking. I am no longer capable of that. So, really, don’t ask.), I began to see the similarities between the 5 stages of grief and the 7 stages of Job-Loss-Moving Induced Insanity. (This is more commonly referred to as “Oh shit, we’ve robbed Peter so many times to pay Paul, now Peter is broke too and ohmygodinheaven we can no longer afford to live here anymore so damn it all we have to move….NOW Induced Insanity”, but that is just way too long of a name to put on the medical forms when you are forced to check into the mental facility of your or your #### companies choosing.)
So anyway, we’ve all heard the 5 stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance), so we really don’t need to go over them in detail. But let’s visit the 7 stages of Job-Loss-Moving Induced Insanity.
First in this case we have anger.
“What? WTF do you mean we have to move? Fix this! I mean fix this NOW. You are out of you ever-loving mind if you think I am moving. This is all _______ fault. (Insert pronoun or noun of choice: your, his, hers, the terrorists, that asshole on the Verizon commercials because Yes, dude we can hear you now so shuttup!, your boss’) This is just great. Just freaking great.”
Second we have denial.
“I’m not going. You may think we have to move but we don’t. Something will change soon. Surely that lotto ticket will win this week. Nope. I am not going to talk to this little realtor person you brought home since I already told you (and I think quite clearly) that I am not going to freaking move, bud. Shall I speak slower next time?”
Then we have the ever popular third stage of depression.
“Fine. Fine. Whatever. I mean, really I am so damn thrilled we are moving it is bringing me to tears. See the tears? I cry all day long because I am just so freaking happy about his move. I think I need more chocolate. And seriously, can you close the blinds so I can go back to bed? They can just show the house with me here….in my bed….crying as I look at my big beautiful bedroom that ….*sniff sniff*…I don’t want to leave. And the bathroom is clean because I haven’t showered in 5 days. Why bother? But no, really, this is a good thing.”
After the depression comes the acceptance and the anticipation. (These two come hand in hand because once you accept it, it is just natural to start to look forward to the exciting things that will come with a fresh start.)
“Yes, we are moving. In fact, I found this adorable little house that is in our price range and the schools are great. In fact, I have applied to the university and have been looking into preschools and I just can’t wait! This really is the right thing to do. I know I kind of acting a bit weird before but I am really psyched and ready to do this! When can we go? Our house is clean and showing well. Everything is right on target! I don’t know why I was so upset in the first place. I actually want to move now.”
Stage 6 is disillusionment (It’s also referred to as the “Jerking My Chain” phase or the “Yo-Yo Phase”. It is the one where you think things are set, but then everything gets all thrown up in the air again and you have to re-sort the whole damn thing again ONE MORE DAMN TIME)
“What do you mean there haven’t been any offers in over 3 months? Excuse me? Our realtor’s contract is up and now we are not on the market? We may not be moving at all? You may or may not be working? I may have to continue living in this STEPFORD world for HOW LONG? You really want me to STOP looking at houses in the city we were SUPPOSED to be living in RIGHT NOW because you are considering not going ANYWHERE now? The last 3 months of hell were for NOTHING???”
The next and final stage is drinking. Plain and simple. Just drinking. This is the stage I am currently in. Right now. As I type.
“Pass the tequila.”