I was blog-surfing last night and came across a blog that was talking about mine. It said, “.. does a couple of memes, and gives some love to her favorite bloggers.” There is nothing wrong with that. That is what I am doing and am just so grateful that she came by to read me. It is not her assessment of the blog that bothered me. It was that there wasn’t a “real” post here for her to read. It was all about memes or other bloggers or the blog world. It just made me step back and ask…Where is the writing??
I really got lost in thought last night trying to figure out why I started blogging in the first place. Really digging down to see what my motivation was to keep this going. Was it so that I can answer quizzes and meme’s? Definitely not! Was it so that I can meet other bloggers? No, but that has been a wonderful gift from all of this. Was it so that I can make sure the “right” bloggers comment on my site or that I read the “right” blogs? Nope. Although I have been known to get caught up in that. Is it so that I can see how many hits I can get in a day/week/month or how many comments? No, but I have let those things sometimes excite or depress me.
The thing is, I started this so that I can write. So that I can work on my writing by writing something here everyday. Something that was more than space fillers. I started this so that I can have something else to write about other than the book I am working on.
Yet, it became something that was driven by other factors. If someone I enjoyed reading didn’t read me or comment, I was upset. If my hits suddenly dropped, I would lose motivation. If no one commented on something I really put my heart into, I would feel like I had no business writing. And if I felt snubbed by another blogger, well, that was just the worst! Even more than that, I felt like I had to stay upbeat and funny. If I had something to say, but it wasn’t light-hearted, I would avoid the post. Not because I didn’t feel it was good enough, but because I felt I had set myself up to be nothing more than the light-hearted fun blog.
When I took a step back and saw that I got more caught up in the “bonuses” of blogging rather than my reasons for blogging, I almost took the whole thing down. I wanted to start fresh. New blog. New name. New everything. But I am just not made that way. I wouldn’t give it a week before I was right there talking about the “old blog”. So, then I decided to just take a hiatus, but that in itself was a joke. Yeah, right. Me? Not read and write? Not going to happen.
So this is how it stands. Things may seem bumpy for a bit while I get my footing back. I am trying to pull myself out of a depression and therefore, I am not going to be all fun and games. I am going to be real though. You have that promise. You may notice some things change. You may not. I just wanted to let you know that I am trying to get my focus back to why started this in the first place. I hope you stay. I understand if you don’t.