I’m not good at goodbyes. I never have been. I am not sure if anyone is “good” when it comes to saying goodbye. It’s the whole issue of things ending. I don’t like endings. I much prefer beginnings. There is excitement and anticipation in beginnings. Endings, well, they hold finality and goodbyes. Whether it is a goodbye to a friend, a love or merely a way of life, endings hurt. (Just ask any woman who has given birth. The end of a pregnancy –labor and delivery — hurts. You may be thrilled by the beginnings to come — the new life of your baby — and easily get over any pain, but the ending still comes with pain.)
I must admit to you, I try to avoid goodbyes. I don’t like them. I don’t do them. When I see a relationship that will inevitably end, I just pull away before it gets to a point of goodbyes. It just fades. Some friendships that I thought would last forever faded away. Because it wasn’t a real friendship? No. Because I didn’t have the heart to face an ending.
When you are moving, as we are, you really don’t get the selfish luxury of fading away and avoiding the pain of a goodbye. Especially when you have kids. They don’t allow it. When they know they are leaving, they want to say goodbye to each and every person they have ever met the entire time they have been here. Which, inevitably will tie into some friendships that I have made. Friendships that I have come to cherish and depend on are interspersed with the friendships that they have made.
Today Kidlet Sr. is having a “Going Away Party” for both himself and his best friend, who is also moving soon. His best friend’s mom has become a very good friend of mine. I truly like her and enjoy spending time with her. I will miss her. I can’t avoid a goodbye when we are throwing this party together. Kidlet Sr.’s teacher will be there today, too. There just isn’t a way I know of to tell you how much I adore this woman. She has come to mean more to me than just a teacher. I admire, respect and love this woman. We just got to a point in our friendship where we’ve become closer. And now? A goodbye.
I just don’t like it. But I will do it. I know I should. I just don’t want to. I feel things too deeply, love too strongly and give too freely to be any good at the endings. Everytime I leave behind someone I love, a part of me stays with them. (Of course, I know a part of them comes with me, too. So, that is a reward in itself.) Maybe there are no easy goodbyes. Maybe there is no way to come to an ending and not hurt.
I suppose the best way to handle an ending for me is to just embrace it. Pretending I am not moving won’t ensure that I stay. It just ensures that I never get a chance to say goodbye to the ones who are so special to me. My three year old daughter is in a phase where she believes that if she doesn’t say goodbye to someone, then they won’t leave. I suppose I never outgrew that phase.
This is going to hurt.