I am sitting here with my third attempt at an entry. But, I am in such a foul mood I keep deleting and starting over. I hate to spew venom here.
I have surfed trying to find things to make me laugh. Nothing has. I have tried to spend time with the kidlets to refocus me. I have just succeeded in snapping at them. So, I guess I am going to work some of it out here.
If you just don’t feel like reading the angst, feel free to just check back another time when I am feeling better. You have my word my next entry will be more upbeat. If I don’t have it in me, I will send you to some of my favorites who are sure to make you smile!
I guess I am just a mess of emotions with no place to put them. I like to think that I am someone who can be happy for other people when good things happen to them. I don’t want to think of myself as a jealous person. I don’t like people who are that way. But, lately, I am struggling.
I have a good friend that I used to talk to for hours a day. We used to hang out, run errands together and just talk. This year, both of our lives have gotten so busy. Too busy. Almost competitively busy. We just don’t talk like we used to.
(Some background so you will understand what made me upset today.) Last year her husband was out of work and looking for a job too. We understood each other. He got a job in January. I truly was happy for them. The stinger of it was that he got a job at a company where a lot of my husband’s former co-workers now work and where he was also up for a job. (My husband didn’t get that job.) You see, most of these co-workers don’t really talk to him as much because they feel bad that he is still out of work and can’t do anything to help him. You know how it can be when you lose touch with people after not working with them for a long time. Well, now that my friend’s husband is working there, I guess it stings to hear her go on and on about how great the company is and how great the people are and the wonderful benefits are that they get etc.
So, they went to the company Christmas party this past weekend and she told me how glamorous it was and how much fun they had. I listened. Glad that she had fun because she had been so stressed out in her life lately. But yes, deep down it stung to hear her go on about it. I admit it. I was jealous. Those used to be our friends. They used to be the people we hung out with. Then, we got to talking about New Years Eve. I told her I called a babysitter (the babysitter that she had when she went to her party) to sit for us on New Years Eve because my friend said that she already had her parents in town to babysit for her. Her response: “Bullshit! WE have somewhere to go that night. A co-worker of [her husband’s name] is having a party that night that we are going to.” I don’t know if it was my foul mood or what, but that just pissed me off. And it hurt.
I don’t want to think that I can’t be happy for people who are not in a dire situation like we are. I sure as hell don’t want anyone else to be in the position we are in. But, frankly, it hurts to hear people share how great things are and how they are buying a new house and how they got this great new job and how they are so thankful that they are not in a bad position “like so many are”. (Yeah, gee, it must suck to be one of those “so many”.)
It hurts to hear all of the blessings that so many others are getting and wonder why the hell we have been forgotten in the grand scheme of things. (Yes, I know I have issues. I guess I am a bit mad at the Man Upstairs, too, for feeling like He has forgotten about us too.)
See, I am becoming bitter. I don’t want to be a bitter person. I really don’t. I am a mess of emotions and am becoming a not so nice person. I don’t want to be so angry about things anymore. How do I get rid of that kind of deep anger?
Times like this, I do truly wish that I didn’t have an addiction and could get at least a little Xanax to get me through. I don’t want to cry anymore. I don’t want to use a blog that I set up to be entertaining to be somewhere that I whine and moan and bitch about “poor me”. (One of the things I learned when I was in rehab when I would ask “Why me?” You would always, without fail hear: “Why NOT you?” Yeah, I know that cliche` too. Don’t use it on me, mmmkay?)
I know most people suggest talking it out. That is the thing. I have talked about it too much. I don’t want to be the person that people avoid because they feel I am going to be the downer. I am never the downer. I just won’t be. I have lost friends over this because I don’t know how to be the happy person they expect but refuse to be the person I am becoming. I avoid being places I used to go because I feel so different. I avoid online friends that I used to be so close to because I am not who I used to be and fear they could never like/love who I feel I am now. I feel as if I have no one that I can talk to honestly and openly about it. Except of course my wonderful husband. But then, all that does is just add onto his worry and make things worse for him. (You’re not reading this, are you, dear?)
I am a ticking time bomb and don’t how know to make it stop. So I guess I just write.
And you get the brunt of my personal hell.
Again, I apologize for such an angst filled entry. I just had to get it out. I appreciate you