How to lose a good night’s sleep in 10 easy steps.
1. Say to your visiting sister (any overnight guest will do): “You take her bed, the toddler can sleep anywhere.”
2. Proceed to put said toddler in her older brother’s room. Crawl into bed. Be sure to get nice and cozy. Ten minutes later get up because older child is telling you that the toddler is talking, singing and being loud.
3. Tuck toddler into your own bed. It’s a king-size. There’s room.
4. Turn off all the lights and snuggle with the toddler. Oh, did I also mention snuggle with the 754 stuffed animals she insisted on bringing to bed? Yeah, that too.
5. After playing 20 questions (several times) tell toddler it is time to be quiet and go to sleep. Repeat. Repeat. Oh, for goodness sake, we all know you are going to say this about a hundred times until they decide to stop.
6. Fall asleep. Wake up 20 minutes later when you are punched in the face with small, balled up fist of a 2 year old.
7. Sleep another 35 minutes until you are awakened by the shriek of a little girl who doesn’t know where she is when she wakes up. Lay there for at least an hour as your adrenaline levels go back to normal.
8. Lie there in bed listening to the (not so) comforting sound of your toddler snoring and snorting through a congested nose for at least 45 minutes.
9. After getting a blissful 35 minutes of sleep, wake up in a panic because you can’t move the right side of your body. Then realize it is because you have someone laying on you. Remove toddler from your body and then move your limbs to ensure that you still have mobility. Then soothingly talk to the toddler you accidentally just woke up as she falls back to sleep.
10. Finally, hurl your alarm clock across the room when it goes off for mocking you for not sleeping yet insisting it is time to get up. Glance over at the peacefully sleeping little angel you love so much. Resist the urge to shake the bed in order to awaken her from her blissful sleep that you have been deprived of.
There you go. Ten easy steps to losing a good night’s sleep and being useless the next day. I hope they are as successful for you as they were for me.
Now, I am going to go take a shower and try not to fall asleep. If I do fall asleep, don’t wake me. The toddler will never find me in there and I need the sleep!