I have been thinking a lot about dreams lately. Not the kind of dreams you have at night when you are sleeping. But the dreams you have in your heart when you are awake. It makes me wonder if there is ever a time to give up on a dream. Wait. That doesn’t sound right. Maybe a more accurate way to say it would be…is there a time when you should take a honest look at your dreams and alter them to fit your reality?
Let me first say that I love being a wife and mother. I cherish the fact that I have been able to stay home with Little Diva and watch her grow and become such an awesome person on a day to day basis. I love that I was able to stay home with my boys, too. There are many Moms out there who would anything to be able to stay home with their kids. Not for one second do I regret or resent raising these awesome kidlets. (And we are just beginning this amazing journey!)
But then there are times I don’t feel like I fit in my own skin. I have talked about feeling like I am missing some sort of “mothering gene” that other Moms seem to have. I know I am a good Mom. I know I am. I also know I probably don’t do it like “They” do, either. And that is fine, too. But then there are times I feel like I don’t really fit inside my own life.
When I start to feel this way, it also brings with it a lot of guilt. I feel like the things that being a stay at home mom has to offer should be enough to fulfill me. And when it doesn’t, I feel guilty.
Because at my age, pursuing a dream doesn’t just effect me. It effects my husband and three kids who, let’s face it, don’t deserve to be put through any stress if Mom decides to “find herself”. But then again, they don’t deserve to live in a home where they think dreams aren’t worth pursuing. When are you too old to figure out what you want to be when you grow up?
I guess sometimes I just get these pangs where I want to feel more like I have something in my life that is mine. Something that I am doing because I love to do it, not because I should do it, need to do it or have been asked to do it for the family. Again, I don’t mind doing things for the family. I do love being able to give them a good life. It is just that sometimes I wonder if “I” am still in there. Me. The person who stands alone if the kidlets and husband were not taken into consideration. The Me who
dreams had dreams.
Then, when I really start to think about the things I want, one of two things happens: (1) I either begin to feel guilty that I am not more fulfilled being a wife and mom alone or (2) I begin to think that the dreams I have are too far out of my reach to go for.
So, usually, the guilt wins out. I tell myself to snap out of it and throw myself more into the life for the kidlets and husband. And I am happy. I really am happy. Of course, I am still looking at the other Moms wondering if they “fit” into their lives and am dying to ask them how they do it. But, for some bizarre reason, there seems to be an unwritten rule out there that says a Mom shouldn’t admit to wanting more than being a Mom alone. That somehow admitting you want more takes away from the pleasure you do get from your life and therefore, makes you a “less than” Mom. Which to me, seems odd. Wouldn’t it make it easier for all of us Moms if we were allowed to openly admit that there are times we want more? To be able to agree with each other and admit this to each other and then to help each other?
Maybe. Maybe not. For now, I guess I will just keep thinking about dreams and pursuing them and trying to figure out how it all fits into my life. But if you catch me looking at you other Moms really hard, don’t get paranoid. I am just looking for the secret to this Mothering thing that seems to fit everyone else so effortlessly. And just maybe I will discover the secret myself.