Now let’s not beat around the bush and ease into this slowly or anything. Let’s just get right up in my honesty grill, why don’t you. Okay, so something I hate about myself. This one made me cringe. First, self loathing is not something a recovering addict is encouraged to do or focus on unless you are feeling it in that moment and need to get to the root to eliminate it. We usually don’t go digging inside for it.
And then I got caught up trying to narrow that bad boy down. Do I talk about physical, emotional or things I do? I mean I can’t stand the way I look right now. REALLY can’t stand it. (Totally falls under hate.) But I’m working on that. Emotionally, I’m not a big fan of crying every single time I see someone else cry. I don’t even have to know them. It’s like a switch turns on in my brain. It can be very embarrassing. But really hate?
This is what I really hate…
I am a master at masonry. I can build a wall around myself so fast you won’t even see it go up.
When I need you the most, I will push you away.
When I need to be around people, I hide behind my wall and isolate myself.
When I need to talk, I go silent.
When I want to reach out my hand and ask for your help, I will instead curl up inside myself and clench my fists.
I am a master at building walls around my heart. When life knocks me down, I get back up, dust myself off, stuff all of the pain, anger or fear deep inside and move along. The last thing I will do is break down and ask for your help. To ask for you for your shoulder. To allow you to give me comfort.
Many have tried to break down the wall. Many have seen the signs of that wall being built and try to stop me before it goes up and leaves me all alone on the other side. But I am a master at this. I can go numb, shut down and become the version of myself I believe I have to be at that time.
I do hate that about myself. I know it is dangerous for me. It is never good for someone with a history of addiction to isolate and especially stupid to not reach out and talk when I know I need to do so. But there it is. I build walls. I isolate. I am so strong I will push you away with everything in me to keep you outside of my safe place. Which really? Isn’t that safe at all, is it?
And this post? SO not inside my comfort zone and totally without a wall. For now.